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“Survivors look back and see omens, messages they missed. They remember the tree that died, the gull that splattered onto the hood of the car. They live by symbols. They read meaning into the barrage of spam on the unused computer, the delete key that stops working, the imagined abandonment in the decision to replace it.”

— The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

"You’re born with worthiness. You don’t have to hustle for it. There’s no prerequisites to it. There’s no bartering for it. You’re born with it. As soon as you come out of the womb, you’re worth it."

~Viola Davis

musings about abuse 

please give me the language for someone who hurts me but i love them deeply and repeat. abuse, of course, i recognize it. thats what it is. but i cant carry that word all the time, please give me another. and another. and another. just to pad *that* word in my mouth. ive been in it so long i cant call it anything other than familiar. i dont mind the taste but the bite is unexpected and sharp. and its not all bad (i know). (1/2)

musings about abuse 

but i cant go. sometimes i dont think i want to go. can you give me an in between for staying and leaving? can you teach me how to do that? (2/2)

did chani n them hear my mental breakdown last night or??? this is for jupiter in pisces from dec 28 - may 10

i know why i did the things i did but that doesn’t absolve me of their consequences

Susan Sontag // lemme make these new year prayers right quick 🙏🏾

"How we should do the right thing when we can, but sometimes a decent thing will do when “right” is out of reach."


2022 Vision Board Baybee (image description in the next 5-6 posts bc too many words) a tweet from ehimeora that reads: "anger arrives when something has disrespected your spirit. it's a powerful emotion, and when used constructively, it can create new changes in our lives.", a picture of deena from fear street listening to someone on a landline and the text: MY FINAL GIRL IS A BLACK LESBIAN I DESERVE THIS,

a tweet from mothaphuckinSWAY that reads: "I am not soft, where I am not safe.", a tweet from ENIGGADESERVES that reads: "God has already made a way, my nigga.", a screenshot from gendersauce on instagram of a floating skull with the words: "There's not a right way to be a person, you know. I'm glad you're alive.", a screenshot that says divine masculine energy, a picture of jack black in jeans and a t-shirt helping lucy liu who is wearing a dress and high heels down the steps at an awards show,

a black woman smiling at the camera with the words "smiles in homosexual" written underneath, a picture of dominique jackson sitting back and looking at someone offscreen with disdain at their audacity, a picture of a construction worker laying on a pile of wood and smiling while talking to someone on the phone, a screenshot of an instagram post from gendersauce that reads: "the purpose of your life is connection, not perfection.",

a quote from bell hooks that reads: "But love is really more of an interactive process. It's about what we do, not just how we feel. It's a verb not a noun.", a screenshot of a drawing from elwingbling on instagram of a frustrated face crying and looking down with the words: "recovering from abuse takes time and tenderness.", and a screenshot of a picture of a planet in outer space with the words: "love and self-destruction should be kept away from each other by any means." (end alt text)

"Affirmation of the week 😌 … It takes courage to love. It takes an unwavering commitment to the truth to be able to show up for each inch of the process. It takes a lifetime to understand the ins and outs of anyone’s heart, let alone my own. Good thing that is the exact amount of time that I have."

~Chani Horoscope for the week of January 2, 2022

that thing i retooted about societal collapse, i do think there is a point in there that should be taken seriously, but i want you to know im sharing it in a non-despair way. there are different ways of healing and we've healed each other outside the system for years, decades, nearly forever. it is tough but it is not hopeless

"Trying not to stress out. Stress ain’t going to do shit."

~Venus Selenite

this shit made me mad yesterday but it still applies

"Ask yourself, 'If this person or situation never changed, what would I need to do to be at peace regardless?'" That's where your work is.
~Jamila Reddy

"At first, this fixation on horror films didn’t make sense. As an extremely shy kid paralyzed by the fear of the unknown, loud noises, sudden movements, and intense emotion, like anger or crying, I normally would have fled the instant I saw a film on the screen. But the real world beyond my own imagination seemed too large and relentlessly cruel, and watching horror films was one thrill that I could experience—and thereby control—within the confines of my inner world."

"We can be amplifiers or we can be takers. If it's a one-to-one transaction, and if I come in with an agenda, I'm a taker. I am here to take your story and put it in my play. Or we can amplify a voice or an underserved community. (1/2)

~KJ Sanchez,

"We can provide a bridge to an experience for people who don't know of that experience, and maybe they'll get more invested and connect these disparate communities through amplification. That's what we're trying to do. And if we're going to be takers, then we have to give back something." (2/2)

~KJ Sanchez

"Yeah, I think we are done with those false equivalencies. If you were doing a play about a single car accident, we would want to interview the drivers of both vehicles because both drivers have equal weight, leverage, access. But if we’re looking at any given experience that involves power, access, knowledge, information–no way the two sides have equal value."

~KJ Sanchez

“I am so busy. I am practicing my new hobby of watching me become someone else. There is so much violence in reconstruction. Every minute is grisly, but I have to participate. I am building what I cannot break.”

— Jennifer Willoughby, The Sun is Still a Part of Me

"if it's darkness we're having, let it be extravagant."

~ashia monet

"no gender formed against me shall prosper."

~Sherronda J. Brown

“Survival is not an individual burden”—the people’s oracle

“The poet needs to just come on down to the whatever political efforts are already goin on. And do not be sad if nobody wants to hear a poem down there.”

~Tongo Eisen-Martin

this one isnt quite speaking to me but i think its more to do with how im trying to block out any possibility to feel atm

"Affirmation of the week 😌 … When I lose the path, or the plot, I open myself to other twists and turns of possibility. When I honor my instincts by listening to them, my intuition gets louder and stronger. Sometimes I have to get lost to find what I was looking for all along."

~from CHANI newsletter for January 10th, 2022

this is the full quote by Malcolm X i wanted to share days ago, the alt description won't fit so this will be a series of toots:

“The white liberal is the worst enemy to America, and the worst enemy to the black man. Let me explain what I mean by the white liberal. In America there is no such thing as Democrat or Republican anymore. In America you have liberals and conservatives. The only people living in the past who think in terms of I’m a Democrat or Republican, is the American Negro." (1/?)

"He’s the one that runs around bragging about party affiliation. He’s the one that sticks to the Democrat or sticks to the Republican. But white people are divided into two groups, liberals and conservative. The Democrats who are conservative, vote with the Republicans who are conservative. The Democrats who are liberal vote with the Republicans that are liberal." (2/?)

"The white liberal aren’t white people who are for independence, who are moral and ethical in their thinking. They are just a faction of white people that are jockeying for power. The same as the white conservative is a faction of white people that are jockeying for power. They are fighting each other for power and prestige, and the one that is the football in the game is the Negro, 20 million black people. A political football, a political pawn, an economic football, and economic pawn." (3/?)

"A social football, a social pawn. The liberal elements of whites are those who have perfected the art of selling themselves to the Negro as a friend of the Negro. Getting sympathy of the Negro, getting the allegiance of the Negro, and getting the mind of the Negro. Then the Negro sides with the white liberal, and the white liberal use the Negro against the white conservative." (4/?)

"So that anything that the Negro does is never for his own good, never for his own advancement, never for his own progress, he’s only a pawn in the hands of the white liberal. The worst enemy that the Negro have is this white man that runs around here drooling at the mouth professing to love Negros, and calling himself a liberal, and it is following these white liberals that has perpetuated problems that Negros have. (5/?)

"If the Negro wasn’t taken, tricked, or deceived by the white liberal then Negros would get together and solve our own problems. I only cite these things to show you that in America the history of the white liberal has been nothing but a series of trickery designed to make Negros think that the white liberal was going to solve our problems. Our problems will never be solved by the white man." (6/?)

"The only way that our problem will be solved is when the black man wakes up, clean himself up, stand on his own feet and stop begging the white man, and take immediate steps to do for ourselves the things that we have been waiting on the white man to do for us. Once we do for self then we will be able to solve our own problems’ (7/?)

"The white conservatives aren't friends of the Negro either, but they at least don't try to hide it. They are like wolves; they show their teeth in a snarl that keeps the Negro always aware of where he stands with them. (8/?)

"But the white liberals are foxes, who also show their teeth to the Negro but pretend that they are smiling. The white liberals are more dangerous than the conservatives; they lure the Negro, and as the Negro runs from the growling wolf, he flees into the open jaws of the "smiling" fox. One is the wolf, the other is a fox. No matter what, they’ll both eat you.” (9/9)

~Malcolm X


i suck at capitalism and this is a good thing.
i suck at capitalism and this is a good thing.
i suck at capitalism and this is a good thing.
it does not feel good because i am trying to survive and it is a system that very much wants to destroy me, but for my heart's sake: i suck at capitalism and it is still a good thing.

personal memory, + towards the class i dropped 

someone i only know by name had beat me out for a job opportunity i really wanted years ago & they’re in my class. they introduced themselves & in the chat i added they are a FANTASTIC POET cause they are. they stopped their intro to thank me & use my full name to say they love my work too. it’s the first time i knew anyone recognized me after changing my name 😭

wait literally as i typed this i realized it’s not who i thought it was but still!

an oldie but a goodie that i still be trying to fight against:

"You cannot save people. You can only love them."

~Anaïs Nin

reminder to self to keep fighting against the empire in any way i can, that no action is too small if i keeps me as far away from this as possible

text by Mary Oliver

i need to talk life over myself: if i need it, there will be another job. there will be another opportunity. i will be able to take care of myself. i will be able to take care of my community. my community and i will take care of each other. i do not know what the future looks like or what it will look like, but we are in it together taking care of one another in spite of systems that are intent on annihilating us. (1/2)

i dont know what the future looks like, but i know that we are there. and we are alive and loved and loving and thriving. i dont know how i will get there but i am already there. i dont know how we get there but we are already there. i am already there. we are already there. (2/2)

gently reminding myself that one of the ways the system succeeds in killing us is by killing our imaginations, our ability to imagine anything better than what we have. gently reminding myself that my imagination has always been astounding and necessary and its times exactly like these, that i have to fight for my imagination to stay, to grow, to become fang and claw and sharp teeth and soft hand and gentle embrace in the face of all this.

"If you're moving towards something that you believe will bring you more joy, ease, and happiness then the journey on the way there has to have all those components. Otherwise you're recreating the system that you're trying to get free from."

~RV Mendoza

"That perhaps is why people are so ready with the charge of ‘escape’. I never fully understood it till my friend Professor Tolkien asked me the very simple question, ‘What class of men would you expect to be most preoccupied with, and most hostile to, the idea of escape?’ and gave the obvious answer: jailers."

~C.S. Lewis

“Don’t be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he doesn’t do what you do, or think as you think. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.”

~Malcolm X

understanding full well that you better only ask questions if you want answers (however they come) i asked grandma’s baby what to do with my stupid heart and was asked/answered: are you surrounding yourself with people who love you? who know how to love you correctly? who choose to love you the way you need to be loved?

and it seems i have work to do

"I remember how it felt to reach
for comfort and fail and keep failing,
sometimes fall so low you want
to pull someone else with you.


I remember grief as a hollow,
so sharp it felt like hunger,
so large I felt exceptional."

~from Commonalities by Jenny Qi

"They were calling the dog the Chupacabra, and at one point, one of them asked the other, “Are you going to walk the Chupacabra today?” Deborah wondered, “What does that mean—to walk the Chupacabra?” It caught my attention.

When we think of the Chupacabra, we think of it in terms of its goriness, in terms of its being a predator and attacking animals, possibly being a danger to humans." (1/?)

~ire’ne lara silva

"We live with so much, as BIPOC people, as Indigenous people, as people of color. We live with the threat of violence. It’s not apart from us. It’s not something that lives outside of our homes, outside of our neighborhoods. It’s not theoretical violence. There’s a very present violence on different levels. This exists intimately, in our homes and in our families, in partnerships. Oppression affects so many different parts of our lives—even our health. (2/?)

~ire'ne lara silva

"I read a study recently, and they have been able to see that being a person of color adds additional stress to your body and increases your chances of chronic illness." (3/?)

~ire'ne lara silva

"What does it mean to live with that threat of violence when it’s in your neighborhood, when it sleeps in your house? You walk it; you attempt to take care of it. Hopefully, you never forget it’s a real threat. Because the moment you forget that sort of violence lives in your home, that’s when you are most vulnerable to attack. How do we live with that in a way that doesn’t shut us down, without living with it in either ignorance or denial?" (4/?)

~ire'ne lara silva

"And, yet, we recognize there’s something a little—not just a little—weird about it. My favorite line in that poem is the one about how sometimes they find the Chupacabra on the ceiling, like they don’t know where it sleeps, and they don’t know what it eats either. We have to refuse to normalize the Chupacabras in our homes." (5/5)

~ire'ne lara silva

"We have been trained and educated to see reality in a certain way. I think that’s why I’ve read so much Indigenous literature. The central flaw I see in a lot of well-known Latinx literature is that it’s so tied to “objective” reality. It keeps on not only reflecting realities of oppression, but reinforcing them. We end up seeing so many stories of victimization, characters that never get to transform, all of these tragic endings." (1/2)

~ire'ne lara silva

"Whatever possible transformative potential we see gets smashed because in this reality and in reinforcing this reality, that’s what happens to people. There’s no room to shift reality or the way we see it in a way that allows for the transformation of characters, of story, of possibility." (2/2)

~ire'ne lara silva

"I‘m excited about my writing right now because I do feel that this is the bravest I’ve ever been. There was no way for me to write these stories before because I wasn’t this brave before. It makes me really curious about what I might become in the future because the thought of being braver is just exciting and energizing."

~ire'ne lara silva, let me just link the whole thing (still reading)

re: personal memory, + towards the class i dropped 

@wenotfreeyet haha the last sentence 😂😭 but I love this still it’s sounds so fulfilling

re: personal memory, + towards the class i dropped 

@felineforestmedicine it was!! i was like wait i still exist in that way holy shit

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