the thing is i dont want to work but i do want my autonomy you feel me
or rather, when beyoncé sang, "and keep your money, i got my own" illustrating that she is able to start a new life without the people who mistreat her, *that*! thats the shit i want
edit: and i dont know how, but i will get this. gotta speak it to truth and shit you know
i just wanna be in a little house by myself! like ms. honey in matilda (without trunchbull backstory tho)! like ms. honey in the musical: "it isnt much but it is enough for me"/like brandy's cinderella: "all alone in my own little chair" thats it!!!!
money
i think like a hurt i am trying to constantly not get sucked into is that i have never been able to make a living wage, and the ay things are going, it seems highly unlikely and there is just so much of me that wants what 6yrold me needed and thats just the option to leave and to know if possible, i dont have to come back.
family shit
and this isnt even to say that things are terrible here. like i have my own room and i get time to myself and like there is a lot of good here. but i am also always in the trauma cycle and when things are good im bracing my body for the inevitable downswing and i just. wish i could know a life where i dont do that. where i close my door and dont wait for invasion. or violence.
family shit
not that anyone is invading or violent. just. so much of what ive repressed is coming back and i cant believe its been alive like this all along, you know?